When A Friendship Dies, Let Them Go

During my lifetime, friends have come and gone, and those that remain are the anchors in my life.  This is not a unique phenomenon.  Friendship, much like a marriage or a relationship, is a partnership of give and take, good and bad.  When I am down, they will lift me up and I will do the same for them.  That is the natural reciprocity of a strong, healthy relationship.

Sometimes, however, we bear a greater percentage of the responsibility of the day-to-day incidences, and sometimes they do.  An authentic and honest friendship ebbs and flows, as does a loving relationship.  Here are sage, comforting words from the poet, Kahlil Gibran:  “And let your best be for your friend./ If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also./ For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?/ Seek him always with hours to live.”

After a decade-long friendship with a close friend, they recently let the reins of our friendship go.  One might ask, what did I do wrong?  Why won’t they return my efforts?  Ruminating over the whys and how comes only leads to days and nights of monkey mind.  Sometimes, and too often, we have to remind ourselves that this person came into our lives for a particular reason.  T. D. Jakes says it beautifully, expounding on Biblical text: “People leave you because they are not joined to you.  And if they are not joined to you, you can’t make them stay.  Let them go.  And it doesn’t mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over.”

These maxims should make one feel better, right?  But, unfortunately, that’s not usually the case.  Miguel Ruiz says in his treatise “The Four Agreements”:   “2. Don’t take anything personally.  Nothing others do is because of you.  What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream.  When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”

How to remain positive after losing a friend is no easy task.  Such a loss is akin to the death of a loved one, and when the grieving process kicks in, time and patience are the only balm in the healing.  Knowing that you did your best, helps too (Ruiz).  And learning that life is full of transitions such as these, and that you are not alone, eases the pain of loss.  We can only wish them the best and fondly remember the good times that were shared when we needed them most.  Make that a daily mantra and remember that you are loved by many.