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 Dr. Gold, Ph.D, LMHC, Licensed and Board Certified Clinical MentalHealth Counselor, with a Ph.D in psychology, is in private practice at her home office in Fort Salonga, specializing in relationships and integrating traditional methods with holistic ones. She works with all type problems. She is a Life Coach, Workshop Leader, Lecturer, and published Author. Please contact her at drgold6@optimum.net. |
| Working with couples in counseling sessions, when they display much anger between them, I usually ask, “What are you afraid, and/or sad or frustrated about?” I ask because I know that anger is just an outer manifestation of fear, and/or sadness and frustration. These emotions are often expressed through anger because it allows the person to feel less vulnerable. Anger management, of course, may be very appropriate. But in my professional opinion, sooner or later we must get to what lies beneath in order to resolve issues. A young patient of mine – I’ll call him Tom – had been estranged from his father for years, ever since the father had left the family for another woman. Since the most influential parent in anyone’s life is the same sex parent, this estrangement had caused him many emotional problems over the years. So I asked Tom to write a letter to his dad expressing his anger; not to send out, but to bring in the following week. He did so. Tom’s letter went something like this: “Dad You——! I hate you! To just walk out on me and mom with that other —–woman without telling me anything or even saying goodbye. —–it, I was only nine years old. How was I to feel? Yes, I hate you! I’m glad you’re out of my life and I never want to see you again.” I said, “Very good, Tom. Now next week will you write another letter expressing your feelings? Dig down real deep. And bring it in?” He agreed. The second letter, more or less said, “Dear Dad, I was so sad when you left that I cried for weeks afterwards. Sometimes I still do. I was so scared that you’d abandoned me. I wondered what I had done wrong for you to leave like that. I heard mom crying nights and I felt so frustrated that I could do nothing to help her. I miss you dad, and I want to see you again. Love, Tom.’’ I said, “That was great, Tom. Would you like to send this letter to your dad?” His face lit up when he exclaimed, “Oh, Yes!” The letter he sent resulted in a reconciliation. So, in the future, think of things this way. Suppose a person whom you know is hurting, afraid or experiencing fustration? How would you react to this person? I believe the answer to the three above questions would be, “I’d react with compassion.” Now, suppose this same person expressed anger. How would you relate to this person? No doubt, NOT with compassion, right? Would you strike back with anger? Probably. Suppose I were to tell you that if you react with anger toward an angry person, you are possibly getting angry at a very hurt, frustrated and sad person. I am not suggesting that we allow ourselves to be hurt or abused in any way, so if the other persons’ anger is severe, we might have to remove ourselves from the situation. What I am saying is that anger retaliated against anger is like adding fuel to a fire. It never solves anything; in fact, it almost always makes things worse. Something to think about? I believe so. |
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