Fake It Till You Make It

Meagan Voulo graduated from 
Farmingdale State College in the 
spring of 2015 with a BS in Applied 
Psychology.  She is currently enrolled 
in a PhD student at Stony Brook 
University in the Integrative 
Neuroscience program.  Meagan can be reached by email at meagvo@gmail.com or you can visit her personal blog, 
Recovering and Discovering, at 
www.recoveringanddiscovering.wordpress.com/

Today’s society thrives on facades.  We are expected to work hard, be successful, while appearing happy and strong along the way.  But how is this possible?  We all come across challenges in our lives and struggle; we all experience pain, sadness, and fear.  No matter.  Supposedly there’s a simple solution – “fake it ‘till you make it!”  Basically, this little piece of advice means that we all need to become excellent actors throughout our lives.  Society discourages the outward display of sadness, pain, fear, and any other “negative emotion”, so it is our job to pretend to be happy and strong.  If on the inside we feel like we’re falling apart, it’s crucial that we hide it.  While this may work for some people in certain situations, I want to point out the potential negative consequences of internalizing this seemingly benign advice.

First, it assumes that “negative” emotions serve no adaptive purpose.  This is in fact not true at all.  For instance, if we never felt fear, we wouldn’t know when certain situations are dangerous.  If I’m scared of bears, I’m going to be extra cautious when I’m out in the woods.  I’ll likely make sure that I’m not alone and I’ll probably bring a flashlight when it gets dark.  Why should I have to pretend that I’m not afraid?  By telling me to “fake it”, you encourage me to lie about my feelings.  
Unfortunately, anxiety is a common problem and it involves a state of panic in response to a potential threat that may not actually be harmful.  Some people get anxiety about flying on planes, others panic before a test.  So what do we tell these people to do?  Just “fake it ‘till you make it”.  Hide your fear.  Pretend to be strong.  Maybe this is effective in the moment, but the residual effects of internalizing this message can be extremely detrimental.

Think about it – by being told to pretend to be strong, what other messages are we getting?  Here are a few: 

•    If you show your fear, you are weak.
•    There is something ‘wrong’ with being 
      anxious.
•    Fear should be something you are ashamed of.
•    You can’t ask for help from others to cope
      with  your negative emotions.
•    You can’t talk about your anxiety.
•    You need to ‘fix’ your anxiety.

This is why I hate the phrase “fake it ‘till you make it.  We need to stop saying this to people all the time because eventually it will do more harm than good.  I for one do not want to have kids that grow up unable to express their pain, sadness, and fear.  I don’t want people to feel worse about themselves if they are already sad.  What do you think?